Why I Never Walked Away
by IAmMeIAm
Summary: Jim's thoughts, while he and Gene discuss Gene's first date with Melfina. Rated PG-13 for mature subject matter. (This is my first attempt at serious ficwriting. Constructive criticism welcome.)


Pre-fic notes: This takes place after the conclusion of the Outlaw Star TV series. There  
is little of relevance to the plot of the series in this fic, but the intense anti-spoiler purist   
may want to say away.   
  
"So you're sure you don't mind staying behind? Aisha can be a pain."  
  
"No, you and Mel go have fun. You've earned it."  
  
I've lied to you, the same way that I always do.  
  
Of course I mind. If you'd ever pay attention for five seconds running, you'd notice. But  
no, I've given up everything for you, and you still only see her. I left my planet because  
of you, because of what you meant to me. And you still don't get it do you?  
  
"All right, James, I'm leaving the ship to you." You say as you step out of the doorway. "So,  
how do I look?" You strike a pose, showing off your tux.  
  
"Sure, Gene, you look great." I manage a smile, and I can only hope it doesn't waver too  
much. But this is it. This is the last smile that I'll fake for the sake of being with you.  
I can't do it anymore; I can't pretend to be happy for the two of you. I can't pretend that  
it doesn't kill me to see you with her.   
  
"I'm not sure why I'm even asking you, though. You're just a kid, after all. Never even been  
interested in a girl, yet."   
  
I know you're just teasing, but the insensitivity of that nearly destroys me. I did have a   
girl! And I left her, because /you/ needed to leave as soon as possible. I left her at the  
station, and never saw her again, and you didn't even realize how bad that was for me? Did  
you? And you're staring at me, so I /have/ to pretend to laugh it off.   
  
"You're interested enough in girls for the both of us!" But I can't manage it, it's too  
much, and my voice breaks on the last word. In that moment, I regret all of it. I regret  
meeting you, I regret following you across the known galaxy and back, I regret almost   
dying for you all those times, and I most of all regret this conversation. Because now you  
know, and I've ruined it all. Because you love her, and you'll hate or fear me for this,   
you'll treat me the same way you treat Fred, and I don't want that.   
  
But then you speak, and you make things ten times worse than I could ever imagine. Because   
you say something stupid back, some lame insult or something. I should be relieved, but I'm  
not, I'm angry, you should /know/ something's wrong, and it's just so obvious now, and you  
still don't get it, and I hate you for it, and I hate you because I can't hate you, and--  
  
"Jim? Hey, JAMES!"  
  
"Yeah, what?" Have you caught on now? Did I give myself away? Apprehension returns, but   
coupled with a faint hope. Maybe, just maybe...  
  
"I asked you what time it was, and if I was running late. We were lucky to get reservations in   
the first place, and they'll give our table away if we're not prompt."  
  
"No, no, you've got plenty of time." You idiot. You moron. You self-centered jerk. What did I ever see in you in the first place? What is it that I still see in you now? Plenty of time for   
you to torment me, to ignore who I am. Don't worry, no rush, no need to be perceptive. I'm   
leaving, and that's that. I'm not going to sit around waiting for you to realize that I'm here;   
I'll pack up and go, and I really mean it. Maybe then you'll realize. Maybe then you'll care.  
  
But as I walk to the door, you grab my arm and ask, "Hey, are you okay?"  
  
And all is forgiven. You realize something is wrong, you must see the real me. You must  
have finally realized! And in that moment I'm ready to tell you, to confess, because it can't  
be any worse than the stupid limbo we're-I'm-stuck in now, can it?  
  
But then she shows up in the doorway, and you forget all about me. In that moment I hate   
her. I know it's not her fault that she chose you, but the she's so much more important to   
you, and it's just unfair. I've always been here, I've always been waiting, and she can just   
sweep in and you forget I exist.  
  
"Well, we're going now, Jim. Try not to get into to much trouble while we're gone."  
  
You leave, and I fall apart. Everything falls apart, everything breaks down, and I collapse  
with it. Another day passes, and I'm here, forgotten. Ignored in favor of another.  
  
But I swear this'll be the last time. And this time, I mean it. This is The last lie I'll tell, the  
last smile, the last of all of it. If you don't see soon, I'll be done. I promise myself I won't  
have to go through it again. I'll tell you next time, because the sacrifice of living in the lie  
is too much for me. I have to tell you, and find out if there is hope, or if all those times I   
thought I saw something before were just wishful thinking on my part.  
  
I mean it this time. I really do.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Author's Stuff:   
  
This is my first attempt at serious fic-writing, and I'm still not sure how it turned out. The   
fic was initially inspired by the song "Pushing Me Away", but it went off-track midway   
through. It was also, in part, an attempt at explaining just *why* Jim follows Gene   
everywhere (I mean, isn't he a bit young to be skipping planet on a whim?), so I went with   
the hero-worship-infatuation angle.   
  
And I have a new appreciation for writers of serious fanfiction. Not being able to fall back on  
crude humor is *hard*!  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Gene, Jim, Melfina, Aisha, Outlaw Star, and the rest do not belong to me. I admit, I am just  
playing with someone else's toys. I make no profit from this silly little bit of fiction, so   
please don't sue me!  
  
  



End file.
